I have let go of all impulses that attempt to glorify my ordinary life. My words must always be lossless carriers of what goes on in my mind. The most damnable lies often arise from exaggeration and suppression. It is my only objective to be honest. Honest to myself.

These are the words that I wrote to myself as I left Roorkee. It had been a long, bittersweet lesson. I would wonder in bursts of pessimism if I had learnt anything at all. I questioned if it all had been a waste of time and potential. Would I have achieved more happiness and been more content if I had been somewhere else? I could not place myself in these hypothetical scenarios. So I started asking better questions.

What are my beliefs? Do I identify with a cause or a mindset? What role do I have in the grand scheme of things? What ideals still bind me after questioning and discarding so many of them?

The belief that I have sacredly practiced through my college years is nothing out of the ordinary. It is that I will live a unique life. It is not a conscious attempt or something that I have proof of. It is my faith. The only faith I acknowledge.

Only in my fourth year, could I say this concretely about myself. The realization was a result of tests to my emotional stability and pride, followed by prolonged and inebriated leisure. It was a linearization of haphazard thoughts. But it rings with me now, in everything I do. It shines when situations feel bleak. The belief that I am different in a crowd that seems so monotonous from the outside is strongly correlated to an air of (sometimes irritating) over confidence that my friends can vouch for.

The first semester was a roller coaster ride which I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. In hindsight, placements are a reminder of a time when everyone turns up for their share of the pie. The process has its flaws, but it would be unfair to call it unfair. It is just an opportunity. And when you give an opportunity to a thousand hungry and ambitious (okay, sort of) undergraduates, it is natural for tensions to run high. It is a time when your friendships and intent come to fruition. Contrary to a cynical expectation of things getting ugly and ultra competitive, it an example of maturity and collaboration that we, as students are capable of achieving.

I remember it as a time of hysteria, humor, painful nights and a lot of self-reflection. It is a one of a kind experience for people who have not necessarily spent their four years by the book.

What followed December was an unnatural carelessness and a lust for fun so powerful, it resulted in a party that lasted for four months. All troubles forgotten, my friends and I lived a life of travel and exploration, all the while putting several internal organs to extreme distress. I managed to try my hand at the guitar and fail yet again, try and sing in front of a crowd and fail, and look out of place on a screen. I began to find nostalgia in the faces of a new first year and to appreciate the need to be flexible in this mutating atmosphere while being true to myself. I discovered love for the people around me in its pure and brilliant nakedness. I learnt that I had underestimated how much they like me back. In their farewells, I found an honest appreciation to my existence in their lives. I will never forget the people I chose to surround myself with. They have moulded me in ways I am still figuring out.

As the end approached, I started to cherish and respect our institute more than I ever had. I understand now, that such institutions are bigger and more important than each of its individual inhabitants. IIT Roorkee will stand regardless of our brilliance or failure. Its grandeur is not just in its architecture, or the fact that it is beautiful after rains. It is not just to be found in flowers or the leaves that dry up and fall to the ground on chilly days. It is found in the systems that its inhabitants find themselves to be a part of. It lies in the fact that despite the unbiased and ruthless rigour it places on its inhabitants, they all turn out a shade different from their peers.