Having done nothing of value in my first year in a great educational institution among some exceptionally bright and creative peers, it is with the utmost humility and contrition that I write this article. What follows is in no way an unabridged and accurate account of the events that transpired in my freshman year at IIT Roorkee. This is partly because of my inability to remember some of it and, in part, because I do not wish for my incompetence and utter lack of any measurable talent or self-restraint to be available for public scrutiny. All of this does make it seem like my freshman year was extremely eventful and exciting. On the contrary, it was a mere exercise in developing a tiny chunk of self-worth, which I believe we all strive for but rarely achieve.

I spent most of my life in a tiny little town, oblivious to most things outside the small bubble the society created for all of its humble inhabitants. In an attempt to break through this bubble, I decided to go to Kota to study for the JEE (Fun fact, I didn't know what IITs were before going to Kota). I believe that the time I spent there played a pivotal role in my development as an individual. Most of my days in the hellhole that was Kota were spent alone in my room watching movies or reading about random things that had nothing to do with anything. I would sometimes spend days without talking to a single soul. The place where I lived there had quite a large window with a rather impressive view of the city. I would sit there staring out of the window for hours on end with nothing specific in my mind. I believe the most appropriate word that describes this is the Russian word 'Toska' which roughly translates to melancholia or sadness with no particular cause. Some time ago, I came across a post comparing this word with what's portrayed in Sofia Coppola's film Lost in Translation, which helped me understand why this movie resonated with me at a level I can't explain when I was there.

The unmotivated mess that my mind was, made it all the more difficult for me to fit in at R-land. This was not helped by the equally or arguably more mentally unstable bunch of friends I made here. Followed by the orientation ( which was conducted via video-calls in classrooms mind you), the first few weeks were jam-packed with countless workshops and intro talks from groups specializing in a plethora of fields. Almost anything one could think of had a dedicated group for it. While many people already had in mind what they wanted to do, others tried their hands at just about everything the college had to offer. But my group of extremely unmotivated friends and I didn't go to any of them. Except one that is. We attended the intro talk for the magazine group Geek Gazette (This, too, because my friend was there for a reason I don't think is appropriate to mention here, and I was just tagging along). After the intro talk, we took part in a small workshop by the editorial cell. This being one of the very few events from my first semester that I remember in great detail. We discussed the thought experiment Ship of Theseus, followed by a discussion on the use of people's preferred gender pronouns.This was really exciting for me as I found the conversations most illuminating and thought-provoking. I used to spend hours reading about such topics back in Kota, and the fact that there was a group of people who shared these interests was invigorating. Although I had a lot of difficulty in mustering up the strength to actually participate in these discussions, when I finally did speak, it was quite fulfilling. I desperately wanted to get recruited into the group, so when the recruitments came, I applied for three of the group's four cells. Although my skill set was perhaps better suited for the Design cell when asked, I said I prioritized the edit cell over design partly because my friend had applied for the same and partly because I really enjoyed the workshop and the interviews that followed in the recruitments. The weekly edit meets that used to take place on the library steps were really fun, and both my friend and I enjoyed them a lot.

But, maybe this aspect of my campus life was the only one that I managed smoothly. Academics, on the other hand, was perhaps the aspect I failed most miserably in. Attending classes has undoubtedly been the most tiring and demanding task for me. From the very first day of class, it was clear that sitting through these classes was going to be difficult. Looking back, this was a trait that has been consistent in all my experiences with academic institutions, so I don't think the system is the only problem here. This problem was further magnified because I didn't have any friends in my branch. And as time progressed, the alienation I felt from my branch mates further worsened. While my entire first semester was arguably spent plodding around aimlessly, I knew that if I were to change this, I needed some direction.

I was fascinated by design as a field when I was introduced to Graphic design software like Illustrator through magazine workshops. At the end of the semester, before the winter break, I asked one of my seniors to guide me. In the winters, I tried my hand at coding again like many others because the tech groups were supposed to recruit next semester. Navigating through the complex world of the myriad of programming languages and specializations that came in all shapes and sizes was a daunting task without anyone to guide me. This combined with my lack of interest in the few things I did manage to learn, made me cut becoming a top-notch developer off of my holiday wishlist. After this, the only option left and one I regret not venturing into earlier was design. I read some articles and books on design recommended by my seniors.

Although saying that the books were exceptionally illuminating would be a blatant lie, I found many of the concepts rather intuitive and fascinating. This, coupled with the joy of learning graphic design software, was extremely rewarding because I had been painting and sketching since I was a little kid, and this was like learning a new medium to convey my thoughts. So I used the winter breaks well, getting used to the software and reading books. Then came the recruitments, and with them came the recruitment assignments.The deadlines were quite short for the assignments, but I managed to complete the assignments of two groups.Got rejected in the interview process in one and didn't get a call from the other one for a few days. This was extremely stressful as I knew if I wasn't recruited in any group this semester was likely to end up being just like the first one. And that thought was harrowing. To cope with the stress, I started to indulge in my rather unsavory habits again. Just when I thought all was lost, I got a call from Design Studio for a final interview. The interview went really well, and I ended up getting recruited. Although getting recruited was just the start of another grueling journey of trying to figure out the world of design. I was the happiest I had been in a long time.

"The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you."

There's a lot that can be said about this desperation that many students have to get into campus groups in their first year. The technical groups take all the glory here, with the others getting a lot less traction. Although getting into one of these coveted technical groups doesn't guarantee success, it definitely boosts your social standing among your peers. There's a lot less hustling around to find what you need to do or learn when you have an experienced group of seniors you can rely on. Many people end up building their social circle inside of the groups they are a part of, which is not surprising given the amount of time you spend with the members. For the socially awkward ones like me, it is a little easier to connect with people through groups. As the realest man-horse ever to have existed aptly put it

" In this terrifying world, all we have are the connections that we make."

I am thankful to the ones who help keep me sane and in this turbulent phase of life. It's because of them that I am less of a mess than I was when I entered the gates of IIT Roorkee. And they are the only reason why I won't change anything about my first year at R-land.