It’s 3:00 AM. Everyone else is already asleep. I have school in the morning, coaching classes in the evening, and a shit ton of assignments to complete. But I don’t study, I roam around the hallway, listening to music trying to escape the inexorable grind of JEE preparation. It is in these moments when I contemplate my future. Which college would I go to? What kind of a person would I become once I’m truly free? I indulge myself in extravagant fantasies about the perfect college, quintessential life, strong friendships, non-fictional relationships, memories to stand the test of time, and a bright future. Loathing my current state of being I wonder ‘What will my life be like in one year?’

My college journey began with a rough start. The registration process was hell, literal hell. The officials weren’t helpful, crowds were mismanaged and bank officials took endless breaks. But after a day of waiting in lines, and waiting in lines to find out where to wait in line, I was assigned a room in the hostel Rajendra Bhawan. The Orientation ceremony started the next day and made me acquire a visceral new meaning for the phrase ‘Bored to death’. Luckily the boredom was easily offset with the fervor around campus groups, which then appeared to be magnificent hermetic utopias encouraging personal and professional growth along with providing you a family. Everyone wanted to be a part of this utopia so there was a customized process of interviews and auditions. An honest assessment of my talent (or lack of it) by my anxiety reported that it would be very difficult for me to get in any group and that trying would only bring humiliation. Fortunately, I was trying to reinvent myself in college and decided to not heed the advice of my ever perturbed anxiety, and after various rounds of grueling interviews, I got selected in 2 magazines, Geek Gazette and Kshitij, and Cinema club. Meanwhile, after a few days of symbolic protests, the hostel restrictions loosened up giving way to night outs at the main building, practices for freshers party, and visits to purportedly haunted areas. Nights became our natural habitat. It was at this time that we were introduced to other members of the campus groups and were invited to huge chapos (local slang for a party). During this period I went on a night out trip to Rishikesh and then another one to Haridwar, suffice it to say they were both magical. Strangers I had recently met morphed into great friends under the supervision of shared memories. This may seem inconsequential and small but it was in these days that I, for the very first time, ‘danced’ at least in public. I even performed in my informal freshers and convocation chapo what can only be called a parody of dance. Our days were filled with activities like treasure hunts, freshers balls, and chapos from branch seniors. Even those creatures inept at social interactions (me!) found themselves at different get-togethers and meeting new people.

The excitement of college would gradually fade and give rise to something resembling a routine. With classes to bunk in the morning and, at least for me, football practices to miss in the evening, each day began to blend together. This was, of course, exacerbated by the fact that I spent most of the time in my room watching tv shows and reading books. I had arrived here with the notion of trying to re-establish myself, to not be the person I was, or the person others thought I was. And perhaps because of the regular nature of activities and the happening environment, for a while, I did change. That’s when I realized that it's exhausting to pretend to be someone when you’re used to pretending to be someone else. And embarked on a pompous and pretentious journey towards self-discovery. I began the said voyage, by drowning myself in Reddit posts, movies, tv shows, and books. The midterms were an unmitigated disaster but being in a reverie of constant Netflix binge-watches, they barely had much effect on me. Thomso(our annual cultural festival), however, pulled me out of that state with days of excitement wondering what events we would attend or participate in. I helped host a movie quiz and came second in an event called ‘nerd debate’. The pronites were filled to the brim with people randomly flailing their arms and legs. I had never felt as happy as I did then. The celebrations quickly fizzled, giving way to stress caused by the end sem examinations that had somehow snuck up on me. It seemed that everybody had reacted to the tragedy that was midsems and was trying very hard to make it up in the upcoming exams. The next few days passed in a haze, the more desperate my situation became the more I tried to escape them through tv series. All I remember is, I completed 2 seasons of Peaky Blinders and somehow got a decent(considering the situation) CG. To celebrate this achievement, we (people who came together due to shared trauma) went on a trip to Mussoorie and Dhanaulti. In the month-long winter break, I went to IIT Bombay for the inter-IIT cultural fest and came 4th in a literary event called JAM.

The next sem began with a renewed sense of responsibility towards my future and a zeal to focus more on academics. It also started with recruitments for tech groups which is when I realized that I had somehow spent 4 months at IIT doing nothing(at least of value). This time it wasn’t just my anxiety saying that I won’t be selected anywhere it was also common sense. But groups weren’t that big an issue, eventually, I did get recruited in ShARE IITR which is the local chapter of the global entity focused on consultancy and growing leaders for the future. What really bugged me was that I saw people who knew what they wanted to do with their lives, I saw people working hard in different fields, and even though some of them didn’t get into tech groups, I saw them persevere nonetheless in the field that excited them. I had no clue what I wanted to do. I was passionate about the idea of being passionate about something but when I began the work, without any strict deadlines or pressure, procrastination took over and I ended doing nothing. Fortunately, the course load this semester was higher and piling on the various activities that remained to be done by campus groups, I was pretty busy. A lot of people romanticize freedom, thinking that we are chained to the ground by our responsibilities that prevent us from achieving personal goals and that true freedom of action is something to strive for. I find myself comparing freedom to a majestic horse, one that needs to be properly tamed otherwise it has the capacity to wreak absolute havoc. Those days were for me, the act of taming the horse, trying to limit the freedom, and for once to start attending classes. But even if you tame a horse you still require a direction to travel to and I was, still am directionless. Campus groups at IITR, to encourage bonding among members and “ go on one trip a year”. I went to Nainital, Ranikhet, Bir billing, Dharamshala, and Mcleodganj. Although I loved paragliding and making snow angels, and snow fights, the memories I will cherish forever are not of those moments but of the people I had those moments with. Coronavirus had spread in India by then but the cases were only in a few states so there wasn’t much danger however as soon as our midterms(which went okay) ended they boomed and soon enough our vacation was extended and our year officially ended. In no amount of words could I ever fully describe the most happening year of my life. This is but something of an itinerary. There were many moments not so profound, including inedible food, unusable washrooms, biting cold, and lectures when time flew like ostriches. I wonder what that version of me walking around at the cusp of dawn a year ago would think if he found out what he had become. Would he be disappointed? Yes If I could, would I tell him to do anything differently? No. Strange thing. Life.